


Fantasy

by Charlotte_Lancer



Series: Siren Song [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Ancient Devices, Angst, But more hurt than comfort, Canonical Character Death, Coming Out, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Illusions, Kissing, M/M, Not Beta Read, Science Fiction, Soulmates, Whump, Whumptober 2020, a little bit of humor at the start, but the soulmate reference is tiny and not the focus of the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26933776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlotte_Lancer/pseuds/Charlotte_Lancer
Summary: AR1 finds the Ancient equivalent of a Virtual Reality setup; the machine can give you anything you want, so Rodney takes the opportunity to eat some ice cream, and Ford has a slice of pie, but for Sheppard, well, Earth-style junk food isn’t exactly what he misses most.Inspired by Whumptober prompt 16: "A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day," and "hallucinations".(Written as a stand-alone, but can also be taken as a sequel to 'Broken Promises...').
Relationships: Lyle Holland/John Sheppard, Rodney McKay & John Sheppard, Teyla Emmagan & John Sheppard
Series: Siren Song [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965943
Kudos: 9
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	Fantasy

**Author's Note:**

> See the end note for more in-depth warnings.

They find what can only be described as the Ancient equivalent of a Virtual Reality toy on an otherwise run of the mill abandoned planet. 

Rodney studies reads the inscription on it, runs a few tests on it while it's powered down, and determines it safe enough to turn on for further study. 

"It's meant to give you an interactive hallucination of whatever you want, but it's not powerful enough to make you think what you're experiencing is real." Rodney looks up at Sheppard, and gestures impatiently to the machine. 

"Fine," he says, thinking _on_ and deliberately not thinking of anything he wants.

Rodney immediately gets to testing the limits of the machine, conjuring up in quick succession an ice cream cone- declared delicious but not filling-, a tabloid magazine- all the pages are blank, and Rodney theorizes that the machine can't give you something that isn't already in your memory or imagination-, and a blonde model in a skimpy scientist Halloween costume- Rodney confirms that imagination and memory both work; he's seen the costume before, but the model's not an existing person.

Sheppard watches as Ford imagines himself a slice of cherry pie- Grandma's recipe, he clarifies despite Sheppard not asking- and eats it one handed like a sandwich, other hand still resting on his P90.

Teyla seems more amused than intrigued by the machine, and walks over to join Sheppard where he is standing watch.

"Do you not wish to try the machine?" She asks, and Sheppard forces an easy smile onto his face, even though he knows it's more than likely she'll see right through it. 

"Somehow I don't think a Ferris Wheel's going to fit in this room," he half-jokes. But a Ferris Wheel seems safe enough to think about, and he switches his concentration onto that- it's easier to focus on one thing than to try to think of nothing at all- and almost immediately there's a toy Ferris Wheel in his hand, playing music and spinning with tiny plastic fair-goers in the seats.

"Usually they're a bit bigger than this," he says, holding it out for her to see. Sheppard notices Ford giving him an amused glance as Teyla inspects the Ferris Wheel, but he just shrugs and Ford goes back to eating his never-ending no-consequences pie slice. Rodney is too intent on studying the machine to notice what's going on in the room- he's now bouncing ideas off of his imaginary supermodel, who has all the same knowledge as Rodney because Rodney's decided that she does.

After a minute, Teyla hands back the toy, and Sheppard dismisses it from existence with a thought. “Anything you want to make?” He asks, glancing at the machine.

She shakes her head. “No. There is nothing I wish to have a false version of,” she looks over at Rodney, still chatting away with his underdressed assistant, “And there is no one I wish to see as only an illusion.” 

Sheppard nods. An illusion can’t stack up to the real thing, especially when you _know_ that whatever or whoever you’re seeing isn’t real. But-

But the thought breaks his concentration for a split second, just long enough for the device to register what he trying not to think about, just long enough for-

“Holland,” he chokes out in a shaky voice, all the air knocked from his lungs, staring at the man who’s just appeared next to Teyla. And he knows it’s not real, and every fiber of his being is screaming that this is wrong, that he needs to stop this right now, turn the damn machine off if he has to.

But then Holland smiles at him, an easy smile that’s always had too much charm, and says, “Hey, Sheppard, long time no see,” and Sheppard can’t help but step forward, can’t help but pull Holland in close to him, wrapping his arms around an illusion that feels just real enough to hurt in a way that has nothing to do with how tightly he’s being held in return.

Sheppard clings on and closes his eyes and buries his face against Holland’s shoulder and he knows everyone is looking at him, knows he’d see Teyla and Ford and Rodney and probably even Rodney’s model staring at him in concern if he could bring himself to look up. He screws his eyes shut tighter and ignores the tears that leak out of them in favor of holding onto his illusion, holding on for as long as it will last even though he knows he shouldn’t, knows that the longer he lets this go on the worse it’s going to feel when it’s over.

But it’s already going to feel awful no matter what, the only way to avoid it would have been to never let this happen at all, and right now he’d take all the pain and anguish that the world can throw at him for another minute with Holland, another second to hold him in his arms and feel Holland’s breath against his neck and his hands on his back, somehow under the tac vest that Sheppard knows in the back of his mind should be in the way of the way Holland’s fingers are pressed against his skin.

He’s not sure how long they stand together like that before he feels a blanket being drapes over his shoulders, and Teyla’s hands gently trying to pull him from his fantasy, but it’s long enough that when steps back and looks up, still holding onto Holland with one hand, the looks of concern on Ford and Rodney’s faces are verging into open horror.

“John,” Rodney starts, uncharacteristically soft, “it’s not real. You need to let him go.”

And he can see that Ford’s pie is gone, and that Rodney’s model has disappeared as if she’d never been there, that the only creation left is the shock blanket that he knows Teyla wasn’t carrying in her pack.

But he can’t. He can feel Holland’s hand in his, and he knows Rodney’s right, that this isn’t real, that he needs to let go, but he can’t. He can’t take the feeling of Holland disappearing from his grasp again, can’t take the pain of losing him again even when it’s not even really him, just a projection from a machine on a planet that he can’t decide if he hates or loves.

He sits down on the sand- and wasn’t the floor stone earlier?-, Holland setting down next to him, and he takes a deep breath. He concentrates on dismissing the sand first, and it goes easily. A background element from his memory, not something he wanted in and of itself. But he can’t quite bring himself to let go of Holland yet, even though he can see Rodney eyeing the machine now and knows that it will be worse to have Holland ripped away from him again than to let him go on his own.

Rodney must know this too, though, because he sets down the tools and steps away from the machine. Rodney sits down cross-legged on the stone floor, across from Sheppard and Holland, and looks at them without saying anything.

It’s Ford that Rodney addresses when he does speak. “Ford, you should help Teyla guard the door. From outside.” And Sheppard knows that nothings out there, the first thing Rodney did when they got here was set up a life-signs detector with an alarm on it, and Teyla would have said something if she sensed Wraith in the area, but he appreciates what Rodney is trying to do anyway.

After slight hesitation, Ford and Teyla step out, shutting the old wooden door behind them, and the three of them are left alone in the room.

“Who is this?” Rodney asks, quietly enough that Ford and Teyla won’t be able to hear even if they try.

“Captain Lyle Holland, USAF,” Holland says, introducing himself to Rodney exactly how Sheppard remembers him introducing himself to a thousand other people.

Rodney nods at him, looking uncomfortable, before turning his attention back to John. “Who is this _to you_ , John?” he clarifies, too much understanding already on his face.

“Please, Rodney,” pleads, not even really sure just _what_ he’s asking Rodney for, but Rodney seems to get it anyway.

“Okay,” he says, looking down at the stone floor, “alright.” And Rodney pulls a notebook out of his vest and starts working on some equation or something that John can’t bring himself to care about right now. Rodney is still paying attention to them, but he’s pretending he’s not, staring down at his notepad and giving them a thin semblance of privacy.

Sheppard sits in silence with Holland for a long while before he’s processed the situation enough to deal with it without breaking down. He gives Holland’s hand a squeeze, quick and tight and not quite as real as it felt before, and looks up at Rodney.

“Do you have your camera on you, Rodney?” He asks, really hoping the answer is yes. He knows that Ford will absolutely have a standard-issue reconnaissance camera in his pack, but he’d rather not bring him back in if he doesn’t have to.

“There’s one built into the tablets, so yes.”

“Can you…” Sheppard glances between himself and Holland, trusting Rodney to get the idea.

Rodney does, though he looks like he’s holding back disapproval as he pulls the tablet from his pack.

Sheppard lets go of Holland’s hand and slings an arm around his shoulder instead as Rodney readies the camera, and Holland returns the gesture. They smile as Rodney aims the camera at them, posing like they’re two close friends and nothing more, and then the flash goes off, a few times as Rodney captures slightly different angles as if he’s documenting a new scientific discovery.

“Okay. I’ve sent them all to your email,” Rodney says a moment later, and John nods, not quite ready to talk yet.

He turns to the illusion of Holland that’s still sitting next to him, and pulls him into a goodbye kiss that he never got to have with the real Holland. He doesn’t know if Rodney’s watching them, or if he’s gone back to writing in his notepad, but he doesn’t care. He’s regretted this for years, regretted that the last time he'd seen his soulmate, his love of his life, alive and well, he’d held off from kissing him for fear of their superiors walking by, that the last time he’s seen Holland _alive_ he’d been in no shape for anything other than Sheppard’s desperate rescue attempt that didn’t even work. He grips the Holland-that-isn’t tighter, deepening the kiss for one final moment before pulling pack and leaning his forehead against the fake Holland’s in a way he’d never done with the real one.

“Goodbye, Holland,” he says, before he closes his eyes and thinks _off_.

He hears the machine power down, feels the blanket disappear only to be replaced by a hand on his shoulder. 

When he opens his eyes, there’s no one in the blurry room but him and Rodney.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed :)
> 
> [Warnings:  
> -Mass hallucinations.  
> -Character gets outed by accident, and none of the repercussions of this are addressed.  
> -Possible sexism? One character hallucinates himself a sexy assistant who gets no lines or characterization beyond Smart and Hot.
> 
> If you think I this needs any other warnings please tell me and I will add them.]


End file.
